Where to Draw the Line Anne Katherine Pdf
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Basically, take this book with a grain of salt. Garner the few useful things from it and then move on, because if you think too hard on the author's skewed perspectives it will just make you upset.
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Anne Katherine offers fresh perspectives on relationships in Where to Draw the Line: How to Set Healthy Boundaries Every Day. As I've bee
While not a huge fan of self-help books, reading a really good one every so often reminds me of what happens when cleaning out a closet or reorganizing a room: I can dispose of outdated junk; bring worthwhile items into a new light and identify needed changes/additions. Closets and rooms deal with physical stuff; self-help books pertain to behaviors patterns.Anne Katherine offers fresh perspectives on relationships in Where to Draw the Line: How to Set Healthy Boundaries Every Day. As I've been zipping through her book with its numerous examples, hypothetical situations/questions, and guidelines for healthy boundaries, I've seen where I can drop certain self-defeating behaviors, experiment with others and continue to expand and explore my use of those which bring joy to my positive relationships with family and friends.
In the past, when I've thought of a 'boundaries' in human relationships, physical obstacles such fences, walls or other barriers would come to mind. In other words, I saw boundaries as something negative and opposed to open communications. And really who needs any more obstacles? For all of our modern technology there are already too many impediments to mutual human understanding.
But that's not what this book is about. It's about setting reasonable self-limits and knowing others need to do the same, without being able to do that for them, while respecting their needs at the same time.
Ms. Katherine covers all types of boundaries from many different directions: marriage, divorce, family, possessions, holidays, sex, emotions, death, and even the internet. Some of her examples and advice were particularly helpful to me during this reading; other parts I skimmed or skipped altogether as irrelevant now or ever. And yet, even though this book was a loaner, I went ahead and got a copy for my kindle because I fully expect to return to it periodically.
Considering how many technological boundary issues there are today, a book just on those would be extremely beneficial.
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I tend to be a turtle when encountering personalities stronger than my own ... retreating into my shell. However that isn't always possible, helpful or successful. Why are some relationships so easy and enjoyable, you can be yourself, and time spent together is mostly peaceful and happy, whereas other relationships seem to occupy more thought, energy and/or stress and yet remain tense or difficult?
I really wish this was a taxonomy of all the different types of boundary violations, w/ examples and appropriate responses to each. I thought it was going to be that (which was awesome!) but then it dis
It seemed like it was really going somewhere when it talked about the difference between defenses & boundaries, types of informational boundaries, conversational boundaries & such, but then went into not-very-useful territory of specific cultural boundaries and vague, not-very helpful suggestions.I really wish this was a taxonomy of all the different types of boundary violations, w/ examples and appropriate responses to each. I thought it was going to be that (which was awesome!) but then it dissapointed.
First couple chapters were great.
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(I also feel like most/many situations aren't as clear-cut as the examples the author gives, but I recognize that they're intended to provide models.)
I really liked the idea about boundaries as being like cell membranes -- keeping some things out and letting some things in, in a healthy and balanced fashion.
I
This wasn't particularly an epiphany book, but it did find it useful for articulating and reminding me of things I already kind of knew -- though by about halfway through I was less into it.(I also feel like most/many situations aren't as clear-cut as the examples the author gives, but I recognize that they're intended to provide models.)
I really liked the idea about boundaries as being like cell membranes -- keeping some things out and letting some things in, in a healthy and balanced fashion.
I also really liked the idea that we should structure our lives based on what WE value, not on what other people think we should value.
I found the chapter on Making Amends helpful with its reminder to be really attentive to the harm you have done to the other person and making amends in kind.
One interesting thing: the author talks about nicknaming someone against their express wishes as a boundary violation.
Chapter 7 opens with a story about Jeff and his partner Tony. Aww, I see what you did there :)
A bunch of the later chapters are excessively heteronormative, though.
The author talks a lot abut gender boundaries (and how these get enacted at a cultural level), but doesn't talk at all about how people are and have been historically marginalized due to being members of other categories (like being non-White in White society, for example).
Oh, and for extra bonus points, the author doesn't use generic pronouns much, but while she does use "they" at least once, she also uses "he" at least once and never "she."
I also really really hated the gratuitous endorsement of, if I'm understanding the author correctly (so points off also for obliqueness), Three Strikes Laws at the end of Chapter 9 ("Today, three or more women must be raped before a rapist loses his hunting privileges," etc.).
The names of people in the case studies include names clearly marked as non-White, which I appreciated. Though some of the ways the author talks about cultures other than her own felt excessively Othering.
I am almost inarticulate at the fail of the Spiritual Boundaries chapter. It's well-meaning, but it's seemingly-obliviously rooted in a certain brand of liberal Christianity.
The author's examples of stories about God were all from the Christian Bible, and okay fine that's your tradition, but it comes across rather exclusionary -- plus I disagreed somewhat with her interpretation of Christianity (contrary to the author's statements, God is in fact reported to interfere in free will, see "hardening Pharaoh's heart," for example).
Also, the author consistently refers to God as He :( I was more okay with the taking for granted of having/valuing a spiritual journey and there being a Most High you are trying to connect with, because I feel like the fact that you are reading the Spiritual Boundaries chapter implies that you are not an atheist -- and at the end of the chapter the author suggests ways to politely tell someone who's trying to convert you to leave you alone, which either work if you're an atheist or can be adjusted slightly to so work. (I will also note the irony that many of the suggested responses are sarcastic, given that elsewhere in the book the author cautions against sarcasm -- since sarcasm is not conducive to healthy, mutual conversation.)
I also disagree that the statement "My religion is the only true religion" is an inherently boundary-violating statement. I think you can believe that statement and both articulate and embody it in ways that don't violate people who do not believe in your religion.
"We sometimes feel that if a person tromps over us after we've said no, then we must not have been clear. We can get caught in the trap of explaining again and again, meanwhile letting the other person take advantage "The longer we stay in a violating situation, the more traumatized we become. If we don't act on our own behalf, we will lose spirit, resourcefulness, energy, health, perspective, and resilience. We must take ourselves out of violating situations for the sake of our own wholeness."
"We sometimes feel that if a person tromps over us after we've said no, then we must not have been clear. We can get caught in the trap of explaining again and again, meanwhile letting the other person take advantage of us."
Notes:
Know the difference between defensive state and boundary. Boundaries allow not to shut down people or possibilities, it allows us to let people to become meaningful to us. Boundaries can limit the actions of people who hurt you and by including people who shown themselves trust worthy. Be responsive towards opening comments, watch out for defensive and discounting others. Disagreement is fine, but brush your opinion as inferior is not fine. Watch out for dismissal, disregard and disrespect pattern- option to back away from the relationship or see how he handles it when you set the boundary. Are you aware X that you tend to question my opinions... please treat my ideas with respect
Communication boundaries:
- how to notice boundaries violations: 1. Acknowledge the counter offer and state your need. - if someone ignores your point it's a manipulation in denial- ignoring your counter offer leads for us to be caught in the trap explaining again and again - you are working to hard, you are leaving a room for another person to take advantage of you. When ignored bring back to your ignored statement. If you need a reminder...do not take responsibility for their ignorant behavior. 2 acknowledge the request or get clarification, notice if you can benefit if conditions can be changes some what. Say your boundaries or counter offers, if ignored it is a response. It's communication violation.
Set limits on the attack: you don't have to put up with other people projection, state your boundary clearly and firmly. Do active listening if they are ok, if there are not in their right mind, too angry/ mad, focus outside himself leave that person don't stay and get their negative energy, rearage active listening to a time when a person is calm and ready to focus on his issue. Active listening works when the person is addressing his issue, focusing on himself.
Eg if you are angry with me say so directly...
Anger boundaries: difference between anger and rage, understand the truth behind the anger. **** expressing our true incident all the energy that tight up and keep the anger contained is released. Only the truth can release us and it's an opportunity for other to know us, improve the chances of being treated better. After we have been angry in a healthy way we have more energy, in addition we enlighten ourselves and a person we are talking to, they get accurate information what is matters to us and they light change behavior in response. Even if they don't just by talking about your concern will help
1. Deal with anger boundary issue with timely fashion don't put off working them out. 2. Do not went your anger about X by bad mouthing it to F, who knows both and soon or later snake will come to bite you. 3. If the person is dead and impossible to communicate with you can still vent your anger, express it to your trusted friend or a therapist. 4. Good anger boundary includes speaking your feelings, focusing your attention on your insides not external, physically expressing (pacing, festering) your anger and announcing your intentions before a loud noice, hiring that actual pillow. Identifying actual issue that triggered the anger, Use I statement, letting the listener to determine the physical distance from you. Protecting children from fear. 5 good anger boundaries do not include disparaging, demeaning or shaming the other person; indirect passive aggressive comments, rage, physically hurting other person, threatening, sarcasm, you statements.
Friendship boundaries- intimacy vs separation depends on your decisions, how you handle the situations, how you both communicate, how you both show primary language, how you both set the boundaries.
Intimacy boundaries: time alone and time apart; expressing your needs directly, be honest about your feelings, acknowledge true current position in your relationship, connect any shift towards separation to the events that caused it, say what will restore you and make you available again for intimacy. But remember that committed relationship includes: attention to the partner, absense of attention is boundary violation; sharing experience protects integrity of the relations- potential violation of lack of closeness. Actions that create separation: live separately - as strangers; not in touch with each other passions, terrors; refusing to work out issues, stays allufe, stays emotionally unavailable.
Intimacy boundaries vs personal boundaries eg forcing ourselves to be with someone we find discussing is violation to our personal boundaries; forcing ourselves on people who didn't make amends we violate ourselves; endure unwanted sexual act with someone to keep them we rip our spirits. We are responsible to take ourselves from situations that demean us.
Intimacy skills: respect limits set by the other person; respect reasonable request (do not ignore it or violate it); confront the other person when there is something they do or their fail to do, have negative impact on their relationship;when the other person action or a failure to act feels disrespectful thoughtless or uncomfortable say so.
Strategy: express issues in timely fashion, speak as honestly as possible, express the feelings in the healthy way; make time for communication, appreciate the other person affords on your behalf, silk up other person expressions of love. When you partner does something that improves your live respond with joy;
Issues arise when refusing to discuss important matters, making a decision on behalf of the other person that affects his life; staying physically separate, gratifying yourself sexual without consideration of others sexual needs and limits, sexual infidelity, rage, refusing to acknowledge how you make the other person feel; not acknowledging your mistakes.
Boundaries with children: 1. Do not exploit children 2. Do not turn to them with your complex adult issues needs or feelings 3. Do not sick the physical comfort by making them sleep with you for extended period 4. Do not seek any manner of sexual gratification 5. Do not touch them sexually, do not use their body in any way for your sexual relief. 6. Do not look at the sexually 7. Do not give them sexual compliments to them 8. Do not comment to them about other people in sexual way. 9 do not expose them to sexual material, publications or devises.
Appropriate responsibility:
Emotional neglect accrued when parents pursue their own, neglect the children take ages to spend time with their child , force to endure broken promises. They learn that they are less important that money, achievement, or material gain. As a result child's self esteem is damaged and their ability to be in the relationship. Opposite behavior by parents: talking to them, spending time and playing with them, show ethical behavior, demonstrating how the word works, show how to handle anger in a healthy way, practice negotiations with them, teaching them to express feelings, to grief, to communicate. prepare them for later when they old enough, show how to handle money , maintain a car, thank others for gifts, Cooke heathy food, exercise, respond to invitation late, initiating contact with others. Boundaries with children: 1. attend they emotional, physical, psychological, spiritual needs. 2. Teach them love acceptance and tolerance. 3. Help them to belong within the family and other groups. 4. Teach them to handle feelings resolve conflict and negotiate. 5. Prepare them for adulthood.
The best part of the book is the start, where it explains what boundaries are, how you should set them, and what you should do when you find others and yourself crossing them. The cool thing about boundaries is that you can always enforce them yourself, you don't need an
Setting boundaries has become an interest for me. I've gotten more and more overwhelmed with stuff to do, and my skill at saying no to things has not increased in kind. Bad combo! This book has been really helpful in that regard.The best part of the book is the start, where it explains what boundaries are, how you should set them, and what you should do when you find others and yourself crossing them. The cool thing about boundaries is that you can always enforce them yourself, you don't need anyone to do it for you. Boundaries are not "If you violate boundary x, I will need you to do y now". That's not going to make you feel any more safe or in control. It's "If you violate boundary x, I will respond by doing Y", where Y could be any manner of things (but usually means removing yourself or your involvement in the situation. "People are remarkably responsive to consequences," the book states. I also enjoyed the chapter that explains apologizing and making amends are two different things (yes!).
But then the book delves into a bunch of different boundaries for different situations: work, friendship, illness, child raising, etc. This is where it gets a bit weird. The book hands you premade boundaries for all of these situations, and some of those seem a bit biased? It feels more like a book on etiquette almost, rather than on boundaries. The book does point out that cultural values change drastically and that those are important to follow, but then you get chapter after chapter of "Acquaintances don't hug", "Hookups are bad boundaries", "Never do this", "Always do that", etc.
Near the end there is a really nice chapter about gossip that is especially interesting for our Flemish gossip-driven culture. It differentiates between discussing a situation with a friend and gossip. ("If the conversation is not taken back to the absent person, it is gossip").
So all in all, a pretty good book and a recommendation for anyone who feels they might fare better with some stronger boundaries in their life.
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It is a shame because there are some good ideas in here and some great tips on knowing your own values and what is important to you in a relationship. But I just can't recommend it.
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Very easy read--not academic at all.
Very informative and empowering.
Whatever I might personally believe, this book offered a perspective that helped me decide what works for me and what doesn't. It helped me learn to say no, and realize what is healthy and what is harmful in my relationships with others.
So glad I read this.Very easy read--not academic at all.
Very informative and empowering.
Whatever I might personally believe, this book offered a perspective that helped me decide what works for me and what doesn't. It helped me learn to say no, and realize what is healthy and what is harmful in my relationships with others.
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This is a great book if you are struggling with understanding and defining boundaries. I really loved Anne's perspective and her thought process. Some of what she talks about is what I have learned through painful trial and error. So, if your boundaries feel fuzzy, this is a great book to get. I learned several new things and a clearer way of thinking about boundaries. For example: Anne talks about how it is the person with the lesser involvement who will defin
Great book! I highly recommend it!This is a great book if you are struggling with understanding and defining boundaries. I really loved Anne's perspective and her thought process. Some of what she talks about is what I have learned through painful trial and error. So, if your boundaries feel fuzzy, this is a great book to get. I learned several new things and a clearer way of thinking about boundaries. For example: Anne talks about how it is the person with the lesser involvement who will define what sort of a relationship it is. This is true for all relationships. For example: If you have a friend who doesn't want a close friend but wants to keep you in their outer circle while you treat them as part of the inner circle, your friendship will remain a casual one. And this goes for romantic relationships and all other relationships. I had never quite thought about this so clearly. While we define our boundaries, we also need to be able to see other people's boundaries so we are clear and can create the relationships we want. This is just one example of something I learned from this book. This is a book that talks with clarity about this really important struggle in many of our lives. Highly recommend!
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Will setting boundaries in our lives be easy? Probably not. Oftentimes the people we have to set boundaries with are not respecters of us or our boundaries. But Where to Draw the Line gives us a good place to start.
...more I wanted to give 3.5stars; there are a lot of eloquent articulate and welll thought out ways of responding to boundaries and protections. I absolutely didn't like the idea of the whole "less clothing is inviting to those who do want to do when rhetoric" whilst I can appreciate its coming from a place of protection, the fault *never* lay with dress. The fault of the person in the scenario is the person who does harm, regardless of what someone is wearing. As an abu
Informative yet pushy in placesI wanted to give 3.5stars; there are a lot of eloquent articulate and welll thought out ways of responding to boundaries and protections. I absolutely didn't like the idea of the whole "less clothing is inviting to those who do want to do when rhetoric" whilst I can appreciate its coming from a place of protection, the fault *never* lay with dress. The fault of the person in the scenario is the person who does harm, regardless of what someone is wearing. As an abuse survivor, I can assure anybody your clothing doesn't invite abuse, it's victim blaming. It really let an otherwise meticulously thoughtful book down.
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"Each time you set a boundary and dissolve a defense, you pave your way to your own safe country, your own unique territory that is the fulfillment of your life and your mission"
This book was fantastic. This is my second time reading this. I read it back in 2005 it was good then but better now. :) This book teaches you how to be a better person to yourself mainly and to others in the long run. I think everyone should read this book!"Each time you set a boundary and dissolve a defense, you pave your way to your own safe country, your own unique territory that is the fulfillment of your life and your mission"
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Boundary-setting is a crucial life skill, and I'm glad I got to hone mine by reading this book, but so much of the content glosses over the fact that many of us, especially at the poverty-disability nexus, can't just drop everything and walk away when faced with every toxic situation.
Written by someone with a seemingly limited understanding of the intersecting marginalizations that many people deal with.Boundary-setting is a crucial life skill, and I'm glad I got to hone mine by reading this book, but so much of the content glosses over the fact that many of us, especially at the poverty-disability nexus, can't just drop everything and walk away when faced with every toxic situation.
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